36

E F

I am 36 years old and I still have not been in a romantic relationship. There has not even been a close friend in my life since 2013. The truth is that some years ago I ghosted everyone who was not family. Additionally, I sabotaged any sort of deeper connection with anyone. Nothing felt right. Being around others felt like forcing myself to be friendly and personable. I never truly opened up to anyone. The people I did speak to each had a sliver of who I actually am as a person.

I feel a bit guilty because my own misery is of my own doing. But, nothing felt right. The people around me are either too young (20s) or older (40s+). Nothing is wrong with interacting with people of different ages as everyone develops at different paces. But where the hell are all the (kind and cool) people in their 30s? Why can’t I find you! Where are you? My mind tells me that you’re all at home with your kids. My mind tells me you are all working on your own relationships and trying to develop lasting futures. My mind tells me you are all focused on your careers and have no free time. I missed the boat on all those things in my 20s and I am paying for it now.

H U H

E F

Well, turns out I am the emotionally distant one. My incredibly stupid thought was that since I am a woman, then I am in touch with my emotions. I have finally realized this terrible truth.

I am in my mid thirties now, and the damage has been done. Some things can be reversed but I do not believe me as a person is going to fundamentally change. Some things really are too late. That is okay because some growth is better than none.

I feel hollow.

Huh.

E F

I am completely infatuated with my coworker. This feels like some sort of cruelty and I only have myself to blame. I know a relationship would never happen! But I feel interested in someone for the first time in a decade. What stupidity!

This must be my life leveling out for those times when someone had a crush on me and I felt nothing. Or all those times I just felt nothing for anyone, romantic or platonic.

There is something wrong with me, and I apparently refuse to face it.

Sad Sack Life🥀

E F

Welcome to my pity party! The theme is romance. And perhaps, all relationships I manage to destroy.

Bear witness to my pathetic attempts to find love. This place will serve akin to a diary containing my private thoughts and experiences for all the Internet to gawk at and ridicule. Judge me you dusty and unmoisturized bastards. I only hope to make cringe worthy confessions, and to display my desperate and melodramatic delusions which will at times come across a tad disturbed. Here will convey my jealousy, envy, pessimism, and repulsion of any sense of normalcy. Be entertained while thinking “at least my life/mind isn’t that bad!”

Let’s cut to the chase. I promise to repeatedly, time after time, refuse to learn the lessons that all along friendship is the true love of life, and how no perfect romantic relationships exist. I will deny over and over again that what I feel has anything to do with loneliness as I hold within too much pride and stubbornness. My ego will remain out of control and cause every single downfall and failure. I will bounce between two extremes of accepting being forever alone and wanting three committed partners simultaneously. To top everything off, an all-pervading questioning if I am actually serious or not will permeate in every post. Take everything with a grain of salt! I am very on the whim and forgetful.

To depart on a positive note: I love cats, croissants, and candles. 🐱🥐🕯